Bad Ideas, Inc.

Like the engineer in the train pictured above, I have often made some wrong turns in life, love, literature and the law. Hey! Alliteration!

This blog, for instance, was to have been named “The Gospel According to Mark.” I thought it a cute idea, as my name actually is Mark. It was pointed out to me, though, that the blog named thus would attract mostly Christians and bible enthusiasts. Those folks would not be happy to find that my character was named after a pagan Goddess.

Another terrible idea I had was when I fell in love with another writer in my writing group up in Humboldt County. I was in trouble at the time. My law practice was faltering. My marriage was imploding. My mother had just died.

The only good thing in my life was a young, pretty woman who seemed to like talking to me after the group. Instead of thanking the universe for giving me such a benevolent gift, I had to go and fall in love with her. She was 20. I was 58. With inevitable consequences, including an email from the young woman calling me “toxic.” (I actually wasn’t, didn’t stalk her or moon over her, and voluntarily left the group to make her feel more comfortable.)

Then my then-wife, whom I was divorcing, found out about the unfortunate young woman, tracked her down and befriended her, just before the ex worked her “magic” on the young woman, making the poor girl terrified of both of us. sigh.

I once entered the Black Orchid Novella Award Competition with a story about a mermaid detective. It got nowhere. I still like those stories but, alas, no one else seems to share my opinion. What can you do? When I actually did win the BONA, two years later (with that same pagan goddess), they tactfully refused to refer to the mermaid.

When I was a young lawyer I told a joke in a DUI trial in which police officers follow a car out of boredom. The driver does everything right, obeys every traffic law, is courteous to other drivers and overly cautious. Finally, the police stop the guy to congratulate him on his superb driving. “If you were as drunk as me,” the driver responds, “you’d drive that way too.” The jury was not impressed and the DA was able to make hay out of the horrible joke and the inappropriateness of telling it in a serious jury trial.

In fact, when I shut my eyes at night, I am often battered by the memories of a multitude of bad ideas I followed through on. They come at me like wasps, completely destroying any chance I would have getting to sleep.

I sometimes ponder the bad ideas I had, thought of following through on, but didn’t. I thank the Good Lord for throwing road blocks in my way. I won’t even tell you some of these ideas. You would lose all respect for me.

There is no moral to today’s story, except to say that for every good idea I’ve ever had, there are ten bad ones lurking in the weeds. For every story published there are ten bad ones sitting in my computer or notebook. Some of this stuff, which I come upon years later, is enough to make me cringe.

But…well, I’m not alone in the Bad Ideas department. Just look at how the San Diego (now Los Angeles) Chargers have been managed for the last 30 years. Or my beloved Rams (who once had a quarterback so bad, his very name is now synonymous with incompetent play on the field).

Or look at some of the politicians we’ve endured the last 20 years. From illicit oral sex to incompetent handling of crisis, then back to sexual deviancy (something politicians excel at), Bad Ideas, Inc. has been working overtime to give us entertainment.

Oh Lord, what fools these mortals be, said Puck, a Shakespearean character. No one has come along in 500 years to prove him wrong. Your humble blogger least of all.