Stinky Humans

“You’re wrong about humans. Yeah, they may be stinky, greedy, stupid, foolish, dangerous and…uh, what was I saying?”

“That humans are stinky.”

“Yeah, they’re the worst…”

That bit of dialogue has never found its way into one of my stories, but I think about humanity and all its perfidy quite often. As a mystery writer, that’s my job.

What a race we are! We hate each other. Yet we procreate. We mistrust each other. Yet we build cities based on our faith in humanity. We steal from each other. Yet we are also stunningly generous. And we kill each other. Yet we will risk our lives to save another, even if it’s someone we’ve never met.

I can only think that God shakes his head.

Just when He thinks it’s time for another cataclysm which will wipe out the stinky human race, something unexpectedly wonderful happens. Like the stories coming out of Texas of incredible courage saving one another–and our dogs.

“Make up your mind,” I can hear the Almighty saying. “Are you guys horrible or noble?”

Uh, we’re both. Just look at our political parties.

Again, as a mystery writer, it is my nightmare that one day the world will live in peace and murder and mayhem will be a thing of the past. What would I have to write about?

As a father and grandfather, of course, I want my descendants to live in a world of rainbows and unicorns. As a mystery writer, I want those unicorns to do horrible things with their horns.

I don’t know why I worry. If the Bible is to be believed, we’ve been killing each other pretty much from the beginning. (I see you, Cain) And over stupid things.

And yet, also from the beginning, we’ve been redeeming ourselves. See, Lot and the Angels.

No other creature on this earth has the contrary impulses we humans have. Cats will always act like cats. Dogs will always be playful and faithful, even in the wild. Spiders will eat only those things they are designed to eat. A Black Widow will only attack you if you go after it first.

But humans? They’ll attack you. Then they’ll rescue you. Then they’ll try to sell you Amway.

Stinky, indeed.