Just Add Chocolate

The cat ran off with your wallet.

The dog brought home a friend.

Your boss won’t answer your calls and your keys to the office don’t fit anymore.

Got a problem? Just add chocolate.

Oh, sure, those stuffed shirts in psychology will tell you to go get therapy. They’ll tell you that your problems will only be solved with a long, painful course of examining your soul with the help of a licensed therapist.

Chocolate doesn’t care. Chocolate will light up your synapses quicker than any old guy with a musty leather couch and a degree on the wall from some fancy university.

Think life’s not worth living? When you’re eating chocolate it is.

Think your love life’s over? Bring her some chocolate and rekindle the flame. You can use the flame to melt the chocolate with marshmallows and make s’mores. And nobody remembers to be mad at their spouse when they’re eating s’mores together.

Wondering about the meaning of life and suspect it has no meaning? A nice dose of chocolate and you will realize what a stupid question that is to begin with. The meaning of life is to eat as much chocolate as you can.

Really, it stuns me that more people don’t realize the magical healing powers of chocolate. If someone was to give Vladmir Putin a nice box of See’s Chocolates, maybe he would rethink that whole invasion of Ukraine thing.

If someone went to North Korea with a bag of chocolate chip cookies for Kim Jung Il, maybe he’d ease up a bit on the dissidents.

If someone walked into a Mafia gunbattle and yelled “Time out for cocoa!” you would see battle-hardened wise guys emerging from their hiding places and lining up for a cup. But you’d better have the little marshmallows handy or there’ll be trouble.

Really, the world’s troubles can be cured by chocolate. Why didn’t I realize this before? I’m a freaking genius.

Can the Nobel be next? But I’ll only accept the medal if it’s foil-wrapped chocolate.